When I am away from home for a while, Baxter misses me. I don’t think he likes to admit it, but I can tell by his behavior when I return. When he was younger, Baxter would give me the “cold shoulder” for the first few days back home. Now, he becomes super affectionate when I return. He stays close by wherever I am in the house. He cuddles in my arm when I sit in a chair. He talks to me almost incessantly, and he is under foot whenever I move from one room to another. In his senior years, Baxter is not afraid to show his attachment and affection for me. While I think he still doesn’t like my leaving him, when I return he does not give into his anger about my absence. He has learned through the years that anger often disguises our true feelings, and he has become more direct about expressing these without hesitation. Baxter has something to teach us here.
We sometimes get angry at the ones we love most because we care so much. Whether the loved one is family, a friend or even God, we can get detoured in our feelings for them by our worry or disappointment or frustration over them. We are afraid for their well-being and safety, but instead of expressing this fear, we get angry at them. We are sad when they do something that is out of character for them, but instead of voicing our concern for their lost respect and esteem, we get angry at them. We feel thwarted in our hopes for another’s happiness, but instead of sharing these hopes we have for them, we get angry at them. Our anger can become an obstacle to expressing what we really feel about another, and so it blocks us from truly communicating with them. Out of care for the other, we actually pull away and then wonder why we can’t understand each other’s point of view.
This can also happen with God. We withdraw from connecting to the divine mystery in our life because we get angry with Him. Instead of sharing in prayer and spiritual direction what is behind our anger, we stew in unholy silence. We stop praying, worshipping, searching for God. We give the “cold shoulder” to all things religious by disguising our true heart’s desire with curt words of aloof dismissal. We pretend that we don’t care and don’t need God in our lives, and so we cut off any chance for growing into a more mature faith, where God and people speak directly, honestly and personally to each other to become more intimately connected. Angry relationships will never grow, but getting behind the anger opens the door to a deeper understanding and bond with each other.
We all separate from eachother from time to time for various reasons. We grow up and set up our own households. We get a new job and move to a new community. We expand our interests and meet new people. We disagree about one thing or another. We go away on vacation for a while. These separations can make our hearts grow fonder, if we come back together with anticipation for what we can share and learn from each other. We allow our feelings of being happy that we’re back together take command over being angry that we were apart.
Baxter has grown wiser with the years. Maybe we can share in his wisdom, so that we can create happy reunions for ourselves.
